I WONDER…

Sometimes I sit and wonder about how my sister will turn out. I wonder if she will be as successful as she plans to be and if she will accomplish the many goals she has decided to pursue. I wonder if she will get into the college that is in California where she dreams of going because “its hot there,” mind you she is only thirteen LOL. I wonder if life will show her all the wonderful possibilities and beautiful things that await her in the future. One thought that I often wonder is “how will she view our father?” Will she grow up to resent the man who co-created her for his transgressions or will she look past all the pain, suffering, and mental anguish he has put her, and by extension, us through? I wonder when she has kids of her own will the memories of the empty promises and the erratic behavior of our father play a role in how she decides to raise her own children? I wonder if she will even pursue a relationship with our father as an adult.

It is different now because she is a child and all children despite how toxic their parents may be, see their parents as larger than life. Some children see their parents as infallible humans who can do NO wrong. I see the hurt and hear the frustration in my sister’s voice and I can read it in a text when she tells me how he treats her. But then it flips. Pikachu becomes forgetful and for a moment the rage she feels is subsided and all seems well until our father snaps again with his unpredictable mood swings. He can be the most loving, cold-heated, affable, miserable man and it comes with no warning and leaves just as fast. I become so frustrated by the inconsistent nature of my father and sister’s relationship because I remember when it was me who he used to be hot and cold with! I remember the times like the Drake line on “0-100” where he says, “I was ready, fuck that, I’ve been ready since my dad used to tell me he was comin’ to the house to get me. He ain’t show up.”

I know what it feels like to call him just because and for him to ask me with a seriously annoyed tone, “why are you calling me?” My father says and does these things as if it is of no consequence or had/has any affect on me. It is fucked up to say the least! As an adult I learned that I can never fully rely on him and it saddens me that my sister at the tender age of thirteen is now learning the same thing. Tonight I was supposed to go to her parent teacher’s conference, but I didn’t because our father decided last minute that he was going to go. I am elated and frustrated because I shouldn’t have to bear the brunt of his familial responsibilities and it makes me energized with rage, yet I am thankful that I am in a position to offer Pikachu support and love. I wonder where she would be or what would happen to her if I weren’t able to be there? I wonder…

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